Finding Gratitude In Being In Love

Suffering and Desire

I found myself experiencing suffering because there is someone in my life whom I love very much. Sadly for me distance and other factors have kept me separated from them. I would catch myself having racing thoughts of desire for them—desire for physical connection or for the comfort and nostalgia of the past life we shared together. It would keep me awake at night and would build up a sadness and pain in me. That emotional pain can be overwhelming at times. One night I started to reframe these feelings of desire and affection. It was one of those special breakthrough moments. This thought came to my mind: “I’m so grateful that there is someone out there that I cherish so much.” I also thought, “What a blessing it is that I’m capable of feeling so deeply.” I found gratitude in being in love.

I understand life doesn’t owe me anything, and things won’t always end up the way I want. But when I looked at how my feelings are no different from the random thoughts that come and go, or how my feelings are no different from seeing and hearing, I was able to just appreciate the feeling itself and grateful that I’m having such a wonderful feeling. It is marvelous to see it so simply. That love is love and I don’t need anything from it.

I would like to make a side note here and say that being aware and noticing all emotions is helpful. I was someone who would hold stuff in and kind of snap with anger. Now I can just see the feeling of anger, and as I notice it, it tends to just disappear slowly, and I can calmly convey my emotions. Similarly, with stress, one time I noticed my mind felt racing and my body all tensed up. I just went and laid down for about ten minutes, relaxed my body and mind, and I felt rejuvenated. It was amazing to go from such high stress to almost falling asleep in my bed in a matter of minutes.

Love In Endings

Everyone experiences a bad breakup or heartbreak, loss, and longing. The pain and suffering that comes from these experiences stem from the idea that love is now gone, and we look back on it in a fictional and perfect way it never really was. I’ve seen and experienced the madness that comes from being overly attached. People can act like their lives are over when, in reality, they tied up their whole selves to someone else. This is selfish and overbearing for that person whom you admire. Why do that to them? Stand and live life on your own. It is beautiful to be able to open up and share parts of yourself and, in return, have someone else open and share parts of themselves. However, your own life can never be given fully away. Your life will always be with you and no one else. So, there needs to be realization and acceptance that life goes on and things change. With that thought, we should be grateful for the moments we have and got to ever be in love and to be loved back. It is silly to demand more from love when it already gives so much.

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.

Kahlil Gibran

I’m not saying this to deny grief and sadness; those are their own things to enjoy. I’m saying that what creates those feelings of sadness deep down comes from loving. The more you loved and the greater the passion experienced as a whole, the greater the tears. So, dig down through the layers and find the diamond under the discomfort. Because, in the end, we will all lose family, friends, lovers, and even beloved pets, which I believe we can find love in just as profoundly. We can even lose the essence of what was once the hometown we grew up in. Changed by expansion or contraction, the old buildings torn down, and new businesses coming in. Change is a constant, so love will transition from everyday life and the present to just fading memories as we age and change ourselves. Love, though, will always be there as the same feeling you felt, because that is what your love is—it belongs to you. It is the filter used in reaction to the outside world around you when you accidentally come across people and places in life. Love is the mixing of pieces and parts of you and the ones who loved you back.

Thoughtless vs Thoughtful

I do want to talk about one more idea: thoughtless emotion versus thoughtful emotion. Being thoughtless in a relationship will lead to co-dependency , neglecting personal growth, and making unhealthy sacrifices. This, in turn, hinders the relationship and causes unnecessary suffering for all parties involved. On the opposite side, being thoughtful in a relationship fosters self-love and independence, encourages communication, and propels the relationship toward a state of unconditional love, which should be the ideal we all strive for, even if attaining it is impossible. I often think about airplanes and emergency oxygen masks—you need to secure your mask first before helping others.

A healthy relationship is unattainable if you dislike yourself or are unhappy with the current state of your life. Another person won’t fix that, nor should they; it’s not their job to fix you. It is YOUR job to fix yourself. If your life is already filled with chaos and misery, introducing another person to it will only bring suffering, as you’ll be too preoccupied with your own misery to maintain a good relationship. Moreover, you might start blaming others for your misery when, in reality, it is a misery you have created for yourself.

When you are thoughtful, aware, and honest about your life, and actively work towards being in a place you can be proud of and flexible in, that is when you can truly shine and discover how deep and far caring can go. Happiness can be found in letting go, gratitude can be found in any loss, and you can summon the courage to move on from something toxic. Ultimately, caring from a place of not needing or expecting becomes possible, becoming more unconditional in kindness. You will understand your boundaries and needs, as well as the boundaries and needs of others. In simple terms, the first love should be self-love because with that, you gain the real power to love not just those in close relationships, but a love for all manner of things.

My Favorite Films About Relationships

The Before Trilogy

Figured I would highlight some of my favorite films that deal with various themes around affection, relationships, and marriage. The first one I want to talk about is The Before Trilogy. This has to be my favorite trilogy out there. These films capture the charm of young love and how time seems to disappear when two people are exploring each other and genuinely enjoying it. The films show us about distance and reconnection, and the difficulties of sharing life with loved ones. All three are truly masterpieces, and I imagine at different points in one’s life, one film will become the favorite for that particular moment. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy’s chemistry in the film truly carries it to the heights that it reaches.

Past Lives

I laughed out loud when I saw the trailer for this movie. It was as if life was mocking me because I knew right away from the trailer that this film was mirroring the real-life situation I was right in the middle of. This film offers a sophisticated look at the struggles of being in love with multiple people. Most of us have that “childhood love” or “first love” from the past, but as time passes, we find ourselves at different spots in life. This is a story about a married woman reconnecting with her childhood love and the feelings each of the three characters finds themselves dealing with. A woman who is married and has feelings for another, the past lover longing to be with someone they have always loved but never could be with, and the husband who has to reconcile with the idea of these two people’s connection. An all-too-human story that I believe many of us experience but don’t want to talk about or face.

Sex, Lies, and Videotape

Given the title of this movie, I went in expecting some nudity, hot sex scenes, and erotic kinky stuff. What I got was a film about marriage troubles, grief from lost love, fears surrounding the topic of sex, and characters that reflect so many different people’s lives and perspectives. The script is powerful, with so many quotes that will get the wheels in your head spinning. Coming out in 1989, this was definitely a film ahead of its time.